Sunday, August 30, 2009

A & Me -- Cut Off My Arm, College.

It's 11:31 and I'm feeling shyt. I'm sitting home alone tonight. And I can't even watch True Blood online. (To the tune of "Backfire at the Disco" by The Wombats, if you please.) Note: This video is brilliant. People are jerks. I love Frosty's.

But seriously. Quirky song lyrics aside, I have something to say: I hate college. Why do I hate college? Well, for 3 weeks (2, but I'm blaming it for them not broadcasting on Labor Day as well) I hate it for keeping me away from my HBO. And my True Blood.

There are several things I've learned while REALLY waiting for True Blood. That's past Sunday, past 9 p.m. and past the point of my sanity. And I took the time to write them out in 10 colorful steps. You can actually pinpoint the moment I lost my mind.

Here I am, in my room in the semi-darkness in front of the computer, pacing back and forth stuffing my face with green grapes and Pepperidge Farm Goldfish (Original Style, fyi). And I feel like a mental patient. I'm compelled to eat these grapes, which are just sitting in my fridge, and I'm reminded of a story about my brother.

When he was little, after returning from the grocery store with my mother, he sat in front of the television with a bag of green grapes. He proceeded to eat the entire bag in one sitting and then threw up the same grapes all over himself.

Now, why am I reminded of this story? Because I'm getting pretty crazy. That is, I've eaten an entire bag of Goldfish and the grapes are just sitting there looking at me. I know that road leads to green vomit, but lack of True Blood has addled my brain.

But there are still lessons learned from this experience:

1. I thought waiting a week to watch True Blood was bad. Watching the hour between 9 and 10 o'clock tick by while you stare at the wall because you have no HBO is like watching someone cut off your arm and repeatedly beat you with it.

2. No HBO is the equivalent of being exiled to a Leper colony. At the time when you most want to vent, you're banned from all online outlets. That means Facebook, your favorite blogs and ESPECIALLY Twitter. (That includes BlogTalk. Frowny face.)

3. When you're waiting for an upload, sitting in the dark in front of your laptop, refreshing web pages every 40 seconds seems like a good idea. (For 3 hours.)

4. This waiting period feels somewhat like I'd imagine labor feels. There's shaking, sweating, mood swings, cursing and a sudden need for drugs. (Drugs = True Blood in this case.)

5. No True Blood Sunday at 9 p.m. makes me want to eat chocolate and ice cream more than any failed relationship ever could. If it ever gets cancelled, I'm padlocking my fridge or gaining 45 pounds.

6. Never knit while you wait. True Blood anxiety = Many dropped stitches and unhappy feelings.

7. People talk about masturbation in chat rooms more freely than they should. They're also stupid, mean and have terrible spelling and grammar.

8. I'd feel better about humanity if they didn't talk so much about boobs.

9. I get angry at people who just like Eric for his hotness or jumped on the bandwagon late in the game (after the dream sequence, much?). Chat names are usually something along the lines of Ericslover, Eric4Me and EricsBoyfriend. I feel like the best girl friend seeing her boy date another girl (or guy) when she wants him for herself.

10. I hate college. But only when it comes between me and my True Blood. Like sisters. I think those girls would be ripping off each other's heads if their man was Eric Northman.

There will be a recap when frickin' Niall Brigant sends a miracle my way. I've been working on the Newlin angle, and I think all that'll save me now is a little Fairy magic.

Sayonara from getting beaten by my own arm by my stupid education. More people would go to college if there was HBO. Hey, it goes along with my theory that taping Skars to my homework will improve my GPA. Melancholy thy name is Alison.

UPDATE: The end of this story? It's 1:04 a.m. I watched a jumpy grainy video with (thank God) good audio after several anxious hours. I also missed the last 15 minutes. Which I'm pretty sure was mostly Eric. And I'm also pretty sure that this time, that last bit of lovely True Blood actually exists. Unlike last week.

The end. Still armless. Like frickin' Jane Bodehouse when she's finished with that machete.

UPDATE: 11:15 a.m. Monday. Saw it all now. Recap will be up later tonight. Wtf, True Blood? Wtf. Giant egg?

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