Sunday, October 18, 2009

Moyer Gets Wet in Armor, Fights Vikings.

How do you know you're a diehard Truebie? Well, you're so intrigued by one fan's comment at Comic-Con that you reserve your very own copy of Prince Valiant at the library.

But there's a problem -- No, it isn't that you've checked out a movie based solely on the fact that Stephen Moyer appears in it (especially when you're an Eric girl), but that you misread the text online and reserved a VHS tape.

That's right, I'm real high-tech and no longer have a VCR. So I have to call Rachel and subject her to the cheeseball fangirl fest. And what does she do? Explains the plot to me when I'm too busy laughing and provides Moosetracks ice cream for me to enjoy.

It's 1997 and pre-True Blood for Stephen Moyer, and pre-Grey's Anatomy for Katherine Heigl. (This movie also features
Hellboy and Professor Flitwick from the Harry Potter films.)

King Arthur has a daughter, Princess Ilene (Heigl), who wants to be a knight. Valiant (Moyer) impersonates his squire in a jousting match because he isn't able to fight. Arthur enlists him to take Ilene to a safe place because they are being invaded by the Scottish (but it's really the Vikings impersonating the Scottish).

Meanwhile, the villans have dug up Merlin and got his spellbook so they could get Excalibur. They remind me the ones in Power Rangers. Yes, I was a kid in the '90s. And those guys really like the eyeliner. But it's shown that only Valiant can release it. (He's a squire because he was orphaned and raised in a monks, who named him Valiant.)

The one requirement for Valiant's quest? That he get wet while wearing armor and possibly have a swordfight. (4:08)

Much better hair like this. Not that "ridiculous mullet." - Stephen's words, not mine.

Pretty much every scene includes Valiant with wet hair and armor. You'd be surprised how many situations call for that.

Then, epic battles ensue. Vikings are barbaric and wear funny hats.

Epic battles, freeballing it to victory. (Sorry Belles, we're not talking Moyer.)

Rachel rewound the part at :25 about three times. Let me just say, this really made me wish that Alex was Thagnar, there. We all know he's Scandinavian, Godammit. They "love to be naked."

But there's a anti-Viking slant going on. Valiant and his people are rightfully pissed at the Vikings. They stole his home and tried to harem-up his woman. UNTIL we find out that Valiant is a Viking, but the good kind.(About 1:13)

You got a thing for proposing to blonde girls, Moyer?

Sound familiar? He's a Viking, but a good one. He hates his own people because they've wronged him and stolen away his family and his rightful life! Some big Viking is trying to sex up his lady and take his spot, so he fights and uses armored alligator heads as lifts!

There you have it. Stephen Moyer is a secret Viking, this movie would have been pop culture gold if Alexander Skarsgard was cast as the evil Viking and all us Truebies could have died happy.

Instead, we'll just have to watch this sometimes live action, sometimes animated, sometimes ridiculous movie of awesome much in the style of Mystery Science Theater 3000 with a friend. Just make sure it's a friend who will not only accurately finish the sentences of the movie she's never seen, but offer to be on a screenwriting team for awesome medieval '90s movies with you.

This movie is a must for Moyer fans, for sure. But fans of alligators in armor and PG-13 innuendo would like it too. Or at least have a good laugh. Stephen did. (4:15)

Thank you, Random Fangirl. You made my Saturday.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

I'm Sorry, Blog. I'm Cheating with Tumblr.

Yes, I am a horrible person.

I have been away too long. I have one of those dead blogs now. But I have a good reason. It's called Tumblr.

Tumblr is the best time waster ever. It's a visual blog, which means there are many many reasons to stay and stare at certain handsome Swedes.

Reasons I Haven't Been Posting Here Lately:

1. School Hates Me Sometimes.

It's a lame excuse, but I'll use it. There is life beyond the internet. Possibly. That's my planner. That's a full week.

2. Tumblr has things like this.

Do you know how much picspam there is? A lot. And it's delivered straight to my computer screen with very little effort on my part. Type. Click. Awesome.

3. And posts like this.

Which lead to more time wasting opportunities. Like watching my Generation Kill DVDs with commentary...

So, I apologize, Blog.

It's not you, it's me. We can still be friends.

Over the past couple of weeks, I've started about a dozen posts. I'm going to post them retroactively. (Including one for the True Blood finale, I am most embarrassed about that.)

I'll be posting here at least once a week, but I'll be on Tumblr, in the meantime.

Now that cheating metaphor just got a little strange.
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