Moyer Gets Wet in Armor, Fights Vikings.

How do you know you're a diehard Truebie? Well, you're so intrigued by one fan's comment at Comic-Con that you reserve your very own copy of Prince Valiant at the library.

But there's a problem -- No, it isn't that you've checked out a movie based solely on the fact that Stephen Moyer appears in it (especially when you're an Eric girl), but that you misread the text online and reserved a VHS tape.

That's right, I'm real high-tech and no longer have a VCR. So I have to call Rachel and subject her to the cheeseball fangirl fest. And what does she do? Explains the plot to me when I'm too busy laughing and provides Moosetracks ice cream for me to enjoy.

It's 1997 and pre-True Blood for Stephen Moyer, and pre-Grey's Anatomy for Katherine Heigl. (This movie also features Hellboy and Professor Flitwick from the Harry Potter films.)

King Arthur has a daughter, Princess Ilene (Heigl), who wants to be a knight. Valiant (Moyer) impersonates his squire in a jousting match because he isn't able to fight. Arthur enlists him to take Ilene to a safe place because they are being invaded by the Scottish (but it's really the Vikings impersonating the Scottish).

Meanwhile, the villans have dug up Merlin and got his spellbook so they could get Excalibur. They remind me the ones in Power Rangers. Yes, I was a kid in the '90s. And those guys really like the eyeliner. But it's shown that only Valiant can release it. (He's a squire because he was orphaned and raised in a monks, who named him Valiant.)

The one requirement for Valiant's quest? That he get wet while wearing armor and possibly have a swordfight. (4:08)

Much better hair like this. Not that "ridiculous mullet." - Stephen's words, not mine.

Pretty much every scene includes Valiant with wet hair and armor. You'd be surprised how many situations call for that.

Then, epic battles ensue. Vikings are barbaric and wear funny hats.

Epic battles, freeballing it to victory. (Sorry Belles, we're not talking Moyer.)

Rachel rewound the part at :25 about three times. Let me just say, this really made me wish that Alex was Thagnar, there. We all know he's Scandinavian, Godammit. They "love to be naked."

But there's a anti-Viking slant going on. Valiant and his people are rightfully pissed at the Vikings. They stole his home and tried to harem-up his woman. UNTIL we find out that Valiant is a Viking, but the good kind.(About 1:13)

You got a thing for proposing to blonde girls, Moyer?

Sound familiar? He's a Viking, but a good one. He hates his own people because they've wronged him and stolen away his family and his rightful life! Some big Viking is trying to sex up his lady and take his spot, so he fights and uses armored alligator heads as lifts!

There you have it. Stephen Moyer is a secret Viking, this movie would have been pop culture gold if Alexander Skarsgard was cast as the evil Viking and all us Truebies could have died happy.

Instead, we'll just have to watch this sometimes live action, sometimes animated, sometimes ridiculous movie of awesome much in the style of Mystery Science Theater 3000 with a friend. Just make sure it's a friend who will not only accurately finish the sentences of the movie she's never seen, but offer to be on a screenwriting team for awesome medieval '90s movies with you.

This movie is a must for Moyer fans, for sure. But fans of alligators in armor and PG-13 innuendo would like it too. Or at least have a good laugh. Stephen did. (4:15)

Thank you, Random Fangirl. You made my Saturday.

What About Eric?! -- Still Sexy in a Dress.

Well, as always with True Blood we start off with the other end of the cliffhanger from last week. "Frenzy" started pretty much how I suspected, with Sophie Anne feeding from a human.

Sophie Anne was interesting. She's a lot more colorful than she was in the books. There, she was sort of demure and dressed too old for the age she looked. Although she did enjoy the company of women, there was no real mention of the virtual harem she had at her compound.

I found it interesting that she used the phrase, "That's random," one which even my parents don't use. I guess Sophie Anne's a "hip" vampire?

But what I found most curious was the absence of Andre. I actually said it in my head like this, "What happened to Andre? Where's Andre?" *Tim Gunn Voice*

But seriously folks, no. I really hope that they keep Andre in the show. There are some of the best scenes later in the novels that directly or indirectly relate to him. The main thing is, he's never supposed to leave the Queen's side. The same goes for the Berts, but they're not quite as important until later.

What we find out from Sophie Anne is that Maryann was human and can be killed in a certain way. In the novels, they don't kill Maryann, she leaves voluntarily. The only reason I can see for killing her off is they want any possible return of the Maenad to be crushed. Why is that? Boring? Who said that? Oh, yes. Me. And a million other fans of the show.

Meanwhile back in Bon Temps, Tara wants to rescue Eggs, like an idiot. But the main problem I have with this situation is what Tara says to Sookie. She says, "How many times have you put yourself in danger for the man you love?" Well, realistically, some, but not the big one. Not the one that she'll feel the worst about when the truth comes out. Not yet. I'm beginning to think that they have no intention of following one of the biggest plot points of the books. Every chance they get to paint Bill in a positive light, as a victim, they take it. And I can only say, "It didn't happen like that."

Sam reveals he's a shifter to Jason and Andy, an increasingly strange and entertaining pair, btw. I have to say, I really love the stupid Jason lines. The best one this episode: "This is Armageddon. This is a book. This is The Oral History of the Zombie War." That's a fictitious book about zombies. A parody. That was priceless. Also, "That's in The Bible or The Constitution." I really love dumb Jason.

And Lafayette's having sex dreams about Eric as well. Although he doesn't enjoy them nearly as much as Sookie. "Somebody needs to slap that bitch." "I already have." was nice. I like how Sookie shares blood bonding stories with Lafayette like she's sharing complaints about frequent runs in each other's stockings.

Can I just say something about Lafayette's flashback things? I know they are not supposed to be funny, but I can not stop laughing until I cry when I see one. Andy Bellefleur was super weird, but it was hilarious. I'll tell you why. Alexander Skarsgard is a crazy good actor, so it's not just him in a dress, it's him acting like Lettie Mae. And I kind of love it. And I won't feel bad for laughing when Laffy is cowering in the corner.

And I also completely thought Alex was joking when he said he wanted to wear a dress on the show at Comic-Con (clip here). The saddest part about that scene? He was still sexy. I still say that that man is unfair to the entire male population -- and, strange and sudden revelation -- to the man who tries on Sookie's Fangtasia dress. I'd expect not being able to pull that one off is especially heartbreaking. Alexander Skarsgard: He's too dreamy.

Jason using the term "lady dog" amused me. He would think about that. Oh, Jason. You perv. The idea of Sam laying eggs and eating them was kind of strange as well. I found myself yelling at the screen, "He's not a lady chicken, Jason!" Not that he heard me.

When Sookie tells Lafayette she's going to do something, I fully expected some more weird telepathic glowey magic stuff. No, it was just a statue.

I'm a fan of whenever someone suggests that they go see Eric. There are actual cheers over here. Sam takes advice from Coby and Lisa, obviously not thinking too clearly lately. Missed that one himself. At Fangtasia, we have the very awesome Closed sign, "Sorry We're Dead."

Tara breaks away, thanks to bitchy Lettie Mae, and gets black-eyed again. Shocker. And she also summoned Maryann with her fake demon. Lovely. Best thing about this scene? Maryann's angry gerbil noise!

Sookie and Lafayette are storming the castle, so to speak, and all I can think is, "Sookie, what is in your purse?" You didn't drive, you're not going to tip the maenad for the lovely meat tree or the house sitting, why? At least use a messenger bag when you're battling to the death. Hands free is the way to go in this girl's opinion.

So, Sam asks Eric for help at Fangtasia, and he lounges there like he's in a photo shoot for GQ, smouldering at the youngins. Eric asks Sam if he could give him Sookie, calling it a "tribute," which I found interesting. In the books, Maryann asks Eric for a tribute directly, through her attack on Sookie. I can't recall Maryann calling hers a tribute quite so often as she calls for a "sacrifice." And it's not even for herself (as in the novels), but for another god.

Eric's interaction with the children has been a big hit, particularly the phrase, "teacup humans." I guess you would call this bittersweet if you're an Eric fan, counting the winking, the showing off his vampiric skills and not eating the children, but calling them "delicious" all the same. I'm sure the chatter on the Bill-friendly sites isn't nearly as light and "Aw. Eric! You rascal."

The flying scene was a bit anticlimactic, really It looked just the same as when they use the effect on Heroes. With this (above), I expected something flashier. Not that (below). In the books, I always pictured something more along the lines of hovering than actual Superman-style flying. I was more satisfied with the zoomy moves of last season, even if they were a bit cheesy.

Sookie pretty much walked into one of those cheesy haunted houses that they do for Halloween, only real. That's all I could think of when I saw it. Move from crazy hand chopping woman to intestine man to frisky coroner, all in the dark. And to the tune of screeching violins so you know you're supposed to be creeped out.

Of course, I thought, "Sookie's going to let him spoon her?" I had a yay Sookie moment when she was all, PAN FACE! Sookie's Fangtasia dress was also weird and amusing, but I thought the whole walk through was a little fake-looking.

Really perplexed by the egg. And the nest. Still.

About Lafayette and the last stand, or whatever you want to call it. Just another wtf, Maryann?! With the frickin' Wonder Woman powers.

Bill's visit with the Queen was something about which I was really concerned. I thought revealing that Bill had met Hadley would speed up the plot too much, but really, I don't think it revealed much of anything. At least not what it was supposed to. I'm worried that Bill's big downfall is just going to fizzle into a mix of information we already know and a man that's all tortured and conflicted and a victim of circumstance. That's not really what Bill is. But at this rate, I could see that happening. And I will not let the Bill fans be proved right. Not when I'm sure that they're wrong. I'm wacky that way.

I know the Bill or Eric debate is one for the ages, and a controversial one at its core, but I'm losing my faith in the writers' ability to convey the dickishness that makes Bill Compton the man we all know and compare to Eric.

Right now, I want to like Bill. I like Stephen Moyer and it pains me that we're going to see less of him as the seasons go by. If it weren't for the prospect of more Eric smirks, winks and tasty flesh (Zombie moment? There is a war brewing...), I might be more conflicted. But, what can I say? I take things for what they are. Only right now, what they are is wrong and colored with the positive spin of which I just can't approve. But revealing this big secret now would be ridiculous. That years of dramatic irony that would be a Maryann situation all over again. What is she? She's a maenad. Well, let's talk about it for two seasons. Then we'll tell you. That would be very bad, and boring and lose it's effect.

I guess I just want some book stuff to stay the same. There's things I love about certain books in the series and it just feels wrong without them.

So, lastly, we have the big Eric/Bill exchange, which is always just a big pissing contest. I especially like to watch Bill try to be tall next to Eric. Eric's flying hair is pretty brilliant, including the show of his vanity with the hands running through it, smoothing down.

Of course, Eric threatens Bill about Sookie, and Bill threatens Eric about the "V" dealing. It's strange that Eric is doing something the Queen doesn't know about. I think it's important to note that Bill admits to having given Sookie his blood, and that Eric is curious enough to guess that Bill had done so, presumably based on what he saw after Sookie's attack, or the fact that vampires often exchange blood with their lovers. This was something that many people commented on about the dream sequence. Eric looked very human-like because he had taken Sookie's blood earlier, whereas in real life, Bill had done the same and still looked very pale.

Overall, I feel the same way about this episode that I feel about most True Blood episodes. I'm extremely anxious to see it, obviously, but there's always a hint of apprehension attached. Maybe it's because I love the novels so much that any editing makes me sad. But I just can't feel right about the deletion of my favorite scenes (The Bill-Sookie hotel scene where Eric asks for a nightcap "Warm from the vessel," and mostly the Lycra. I will miss the Lycra.) in favor of the boring, repetitive and confusingly mysterious Maryann stuff. At least if they kill her off, we'll have a little peace from giant eggs and other similar wtf moments.

Skarsgard Fix -- Zodiac, Heartbreak

This article recently appeared on The Vault about the Zodiac signs of the True Blood stars. I'm posting it here because I found it very amusing that I share a sign with Stephen Moyer, a Libra. (This isn't an invitation to pinch my butt, but, by all means, take it as one to pinch Moyer's.) What conclusion did I draw from this? Well, the fact that Virgo Alexander Skarsgard and I are not meant for each other. You hear that? It's the sound of hearts breaking... Yes, the hearts of Skars-loving Libras all over the world breaking. Today is a sad day.

I don't think heartbreak is too much of an exaggeration, do you?

What have we learned from this? It's okay to be jealous of Leo Anna Paquin for one more reason. Luckiest girl ever. And her lucky day is Sunday. Imagine that.

P.S. Today is my friend Nystacular's birthday! Head over to her blog to send happy thoughts and listen to some retro Happy Birthday tunes! (She's a Leo too. I dare say, her compatibility with The Skarsgard very well may ruin our friendship.)

UPDATE: 8/21/09 9:56 p.m.

The Vault just posted a new Zodiac reading for Vampire Bill and Sookie based on novel birth date info. Sadly, no Eric. And I'm still bummed about The Skars. I'll go back to my crying...

What About Eric?! -- Proof of Bill Wickham!

Now, I'd like to add onto my earlier "What About Eric?!" post and add some visual aids to strengthen my Pride and Prejudice Eric-Darcy/Bill-Wickham argument. I'm not saying too much because I don't know exactly how the story will play out book to show, but I will put up these little snippets for your consideration.

Take a look, my friends. See any similarities? Add in a couple of leers and a pair of fangs and you've got Mr. Northman. Although I don't think Mr. Darcy would be quite so vocal about wanting to get into Elizabeth Bennet's petticoat. Oh, and take a minute to picture Alexander Skarsgard in those pants. What was I saying again?

And Mr. Wickham, where did you get that haircut? At Vampire Bill's House o' Sideburns? I think so. And you don't have to picture Stephen Moyer in those regimentals. His Civil War duds are close enough aesthetically. (P.S. I kind of love the screen caps for these videos side by side. It makes me right. Down to the letter. I am observant.)

UPDATE: Darcy and Elizabeth are also really big on the eye contact, as you can see. And while he has many admirers, seeks to have the best woman or none at all. I'm pretty sure Eric Northman would enjoy a country dance just about as much as Mr. Darcy does initially, but I don't think he'd mind feeding on a few ladies' femoral arteries for his trouble before he scowls and goes to chat with Pam. What would Vampire Darcy do? That remains to be seen. (They already fought the zombies!)

Anna and Stephen are ENGAGED!

I have to spread the word if I can! That's right, TV's Bill and Sookie are getting hitched! This is great news for Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer. Congrats! (Let's just hope Bill and Sookie don't get any ideas... We need some room for Eric!) Read the MSNBC article here. Fan video with clips from good scenes and bad music below... (Ew.)